Sunday, August 3, 2008

My life goes downhill

Frankly I'm scared. I am returning to Bakersfield in case you didn't know, but I'm not sure I want to. My mom is going through some tough financial times, and my two brothers aren't helping. My sister moved in, someone has to watch the baby, they are behind in bills, credit card payments, drama drama DRAMA! Fights are a daily occurrence among my brothers and dan, they even get physical. If I get a job, and work is hard to find, it will go to helping out with bills. I need to save up for school...I planned on starting in two weeks but I don't have enough. My family cant afford it and when I look around at those more fortunate than I am it makes me envy them and I get sad. I have to leave Cory...I don't know when I will see him again, and I have taken the time I've had with him for granted. Few people can stay faithful when in such a situation and he has his needs. I respect that. The choice of an open relationship still looms in the air and the question of whether or not we should take it. I can't picture him with another man without getting tears in my eyes. What am I going to do? I was born into a world that I dislike so very much and I am not one who can take it. Even now I can't stop crying and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to move back, but I don't want to be a burden on Cory's family anymore. They have done so much for me. Life sucks. I am too fragile to deal with this and I can't just 'suck it up'. Its a matter of survival now. I want to say "please don't send me back to that place." Where my family is... it's hell. My step dad ruined everything for me by sending my mom out on the street with nothing. What did she do to deserve it? I need someone to help me...I don't want to cry anymore. All I can think about is "what am I going to do?" I hate that house. I would rather live here in some low budget apartment than there. I know what most of you are thinking, and no, this isn't a suicide note. I should, could, and would NEVER end my life. I love to many people to do that. I am just depressed and seeking words of advice, encouragement, anything that will stop the tears. I love you all. You are my friends and I would do anything for everyone of you. If I could, I would give you each a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. I would never let go, either. You mean so much to me; I hope you all realize that. Cory, Sarah, Amber, Randi, Brian, Jessica, Miss Luckett, Ruben, Michelle, Ian, Kandice, Alicia, Stephanie, Aunt Gigi, Heather, Michael (both of you), Chris (all three of you), and everyone else. You know your names and I have you on my myspace for a reason. I love you all so much